What am I finally ready to declare?

Perhaps I was naived whising that living my whole life as fully a religious man is always a smooth sailing. In reality however, after eight years on the bumpy and rocky journey, I discovered the manner I conduct myself more and more in contradiction to some of my initial "ideals" of a religious life.

Yes, often times, I contradicted myself with what I initially aspired to be: to understand the others rather than to be understood, to love rather than to be loved by others, to forgive rather than to be forgiven first by the others. And, the not so positive list will carry on and on.

Today, even as I finally ready to declare my true colours as someone continue learning to live a trustworthy religious' life is not that easy. I must be ready to strip to the skin, and let the poor chimpanzees close their eyes, so to speak. Perhaps, it was easy for St. Augustine of the 5th centuary to declare his inner struggles through his book The Confession.

Well, my confession is this: I'm still struggling to be a "good" religious man. It's so very frustrating at times to acknowledge myself having so many list of failings and weaknesses, far from the expected standards, same nature of shortcomings time and again, even to the point of loosing hopes to carry on. I'm deeply shameful and helpless and at times afraid to face another day, knowing the prospect of discovering myself falling into the same trap and lure of carnal-self.

Therefore, today John's Gospel reading (Jn 13:21-33, 36-38) clearly depicts similar identification of myself as that of Peter's unthoughtful promises to his Master - Jesus. That, the more I promised to be committed on everything that is "good" to Jesus, chances are, the more I break those promises. Year in and year out, I attended the eight-day retreat without fail, and at the end of it, I usually renew my religious vows, praying to be more and more Christ-like. Yet the outcomes as it goes, were very frustrating if not 100% demoralizing.

Nevertheless, there is a clear message of hope in today's scripture readings. That, despite my human shortcomings, I'm still God's servant in whom He shall gradually be glorified when I continue to imitate Christ closely and with genuine repented and humble heart. St. Ignatius, pray for me.