Is Anything I Fear Happening Right Now??

Indeed, it's been a long absent in this blog since my last updates. I have been engrossed with my last semester's commitments till the 23rd December which was my final lectures, finally. Now I may have ample time to continue posting with much ease.

Yes, thanks ALLAH!!!, He helps me made it through my whole religious formations, at last, at Driyarkara's High School of Philosophy, Jakarta INDONESIA. I offerred and did my very best in religious studies eventhough the results were not always satisfactory. What a great relief after going through the most crucial Ad-Audiendas exam last 19th of December, esp after the second intense repetitions. Nevertheless, I appreciate most the "processes" more than the final result itself.

After completing all that were needed to be done in my parts, I am now confronted with more questions in life, one in particular is this: Is anything I fear happening right now??? Why?? Yes, with the completion of the Ad-Audiendas exam recently, it means that I'm urge to response to new height of commitments, wheather I like it or not. But, the question is, am I really ready for it? In fact I'm ready but with 'fear' in my heart right now, fear of the unknown, the unfamiliar and perhaps complex situations ahead.

Despite the demand of impending, radical commitment and the much sought faithfulness, as a religious man, today's Gospel message from John 1:1-18, equally delivers the much sought hope for me. Christ''s incarnation, it's mystery not it's 'history', if anything injects not only real 'hope' but also real consolation that, yes I may fear at times but at the same time, I'm not alone facing it. Christ, the real LIGHT has come, time and again, to shine my ways, even the darkest paths of the journey will not overcome this LIGHT.

New year 2010 is fast approaching in just a few minutes more. It's interesting that a new year always begin in the darkest of night, i.e., 12:00 mid-night, not in the day time. But this darkness is short-live anyway, because within six hours time, the night shall be gone and the sun light will brighten the day once again. In short, light prevails over darkness just as Christ prevails over the darkness of sins and impurities of humanity.

So, to all my friends and blog readers, I pray that the coming New Year 2010 will be filled with God's abundance providence for you and your family members, both near and afar!!! Since the LIGHT has come, let us turn fear into joy and divine-filled confidence as we take once step at a time and all through the new year.

God bless us all, His much loved children on earth !!!

Who Am I Criticizing When I Criticized Others?

Valuable past experiences taught me to calmly dwell and ponder on the many questions of life-processes contemplatively rather than trying to get to the tentative answers compulsively. Customarily, when things went wrong that irritates one in just about slightest issues, one would easily point finger to the other, saving 'oneself' from any shares of the blame.

Those question mentioned above helps me check again the way I present myself, the way I look and analyse everything around me. Rather than quickly putting the blame to others when things occurred not the way one envisaged, one should do some self-examinations meditatively and ask oneself: how did I contributed, if any, to this mishap? In other words: how can I criticize the other without also having me partly responsibled and be blamed, for the many shortcomings of one another's life endeavour? Is it not true that when one points one single finger to someone, one actually points three more fingers simultaneously to oneself, instead?

If Easter is symbolically depicts Christ's triumph over the pang of death, self-control and holy fear of God would be a success and triumph over one's many shortcomings. So therefore, I need to reflect deeper again...as I go through life-processes in the here and now, those specific question posed to me and to everyone out there, too.

May one discover oneself intimately as and when one criticized the other!

What am I finally ready to declare?

Perhaps I was naived whising that living my whole life as fully a religious man is always a smooth sailing. In reality however, after eight years on the bumpy and rocky journey, I discovered the manner I conduct myself more and more in contradiction to some of my initial "ideals" of a religious life.

Yes, often times, I contradicted myself with what I initially aspired to be: to understand the others rather than to be understood, to love rather than to be loved by others, to forgive rather than to be forgiven first by the others. And, the not so positive list will carry on and on.

Today, even as I finally ready to declare my true colours as someone continue learning to live a trustworthy religious' life is not that easy. I must be ready to strip to the skin, and let the poor chimpanzees close their eyes, so to speak. Perhaps, it was easy for St. Augustine of the 5th centuary to declare his inner struggles through his book The Confession.

Well, my confession is this: I'm still struggling to be a "good" religious man. It's so very frustrating at times to acknowledge myself having so many list of failings and weaknesses, far from the expected standards, same nature of shortcomings time and again, even to the point of loosing hopes to carry on. I'm deeply shameful and helpless and at times afraid to face another day, knowing the prospect of discovering myself falling into the same trap and lure of carnal-self.

Therefore, today John's Gospel reading (Jn 13:21-33, 36-38) clearly depicts similar identification of myself as that of Peter's unthoughtful promises to his Master - Jesus. That, the more I promised to be committed on everything that is "good" to Jesus, chances are, the more I break those promises. Year in and year out, I attended the eight-day retreat without fail, and at the end of it, I usually renew my religious vows, praying to be more and more Christ-like. Yet the outcomes as it goes, were very frustrating if not 100% demoralizing.

Nevertheless, there is a clear message of hope in today's scripture readings. That, despite my human shortcomings, I'm still God's servant in whom He shall gradually be glorified when I continue to imitate Christ closely and with genuine repented and humble heart. St. Ignatius, pray for me.

Who Decides What Mood I Am In?

One Sunday I attended an evening Eucharist in the nearby Church with my friend. Though it was an evening Eucharist celebration, the faithfuls flocked into the Church in no times. I was sitting next to my friend in the same pew. Then, came the homily session. At first I listened carefully with my face looking straight to the preacher who was a bit shorter than the avarage pracher I used to attend to.

Five minutes later, I closed my eyes, head down a bit, but still listening attentively. I felt comfortable that way. A moment later, my friend awaken me and remarked: "There is nothing new to his homily, all the same with no depth!" To this sudden negative comments of my friend, I just shaked my head without a word uttered. I asked myself: "How come he negitively feel that way?" I was puzzled! However, I quickly focused back to what the priest was preaching. I tried to catch the very last valuable piece of message that I could bring home for further reflections.

This very occassion with my friend reminds me of the new wisdoms that I just learnt. That, if I am perplexed or puzzled about something in life, I must not "mind." And when I'm surrounded by negativity, negative forces, and negative emotions, I should not mind a thing. I was taught that, when I "mind" it, I obey it! I must not be as children, who mind their parents. I must get 'out of my mind', instead. I need to remember: we are human 'being', not a human 'minding.' Move, therefore, into beingness. Honestly, as my friend uttered his complaint, I just felt calm and I really didn't mind.

So my friends, that's the experience as well as the answer I found to the very question: Who decides what mood I am in? I could see that my friend was not happy with the homily the priest delivered that evening. The rest of it, I would not speculate what he was thinking about the priest. Personally, this unexpected encounter with my friend's attitude served well as another valuable lesson for me on how to hold a positive attitude about everything.

Therefore my friends, it's really up to us, to be positive or not to be positive; to be happy or not to be happy. You are what you choose to be!

What part of reality is imperfect?

The reality may be one but each one of us experienced the faces of reality in a different ways. When one is living in abundance throughout her or his life, she or he may perceived that the bigger reality must be in great abundant too. Indeed, how many of us have had the chance (s) of experiencing both realities of abundance and acute poverty like the one captured in the above image?


In reality too, there are various kinds of poverty - material, emotional, spiritual, and perhaps one may encounter other type of poverty that are not mentioned here. Whatever type of poverty it may be, I'm drawn to believe that, this part of poverty or suffering that is unfortunately "imperfect." Yet how many of us could live humbly with imperfection if such is the given reality? Personally, such reality make me say to myself, "I'll not be truly in abundance until all is collectively in abundance!"



In my third pastoral visits to Pius' Ward today, the selected theme for our simple and short reflections on the Word od God is about "suffering." There are two new comers in the ward today, both female in their mid 20's. What's obvious during this time of my pastoral visit was that, in here inmates were still suffering but almost all with a smiling faces! I'm sure it was not because of the prescribed medication intake that caused them to artificially smile. I dare trust it was because they hold on to the tangible hope that they are indeed on the road of complete recovery. In other words, it's just a matter of time that they will eventually out of the ward, and be united with their loved ones ever again. God's willing!

Yes, my friends, the reality in which we live may be imperfect - imperfect because the reality is obvious or perhaps it was the product of our self-negative views of the universe - but it would benefit us more if we choose instead to perceive the given reality, positively and try to embrace it as 'friend' instead of denying it as 'foe.' When one consciouly embraced the given reality - edifying or limiting - as friend then actually one is saving the unnecessarily energy of reconciling oneself with it.
As one of the inmates says during our sharing session: "Indeed suffering made me close to God like never before." And the other remarks: "Suffering is the direct result of my fleshly desires, but eventually, it is the renewed forces of God's Spirit within me that shall prevail!"

Frustration and Fear Expresses Love?

Today is another challenging yet en eye-opening day for me! In my second round of pastoral visit to the Rumah Sakit Carulos, Pius Ward, where several stressed or depressed patients are rehabilitated, I had a chance to mingled and conversed freely with two female inmates there. Particularly, the 62-year old woman, who are still undergoing treatments for more than a month now. Let's call her Mary, not her real name though, for some ethical reasons.

Her deepest frustration and anger directed to God began after her lovely husband died untimely of stroke two years ago. Ever since that bleak day, she felt deep sense of lost, loneliness and life seemed no more meaning and hope to hold on. Due to these deep-seated depressions almost to the brink of total breakdown, she was sent to the hospital, really without her consent.

Now, at least she is seemingly stable and able to share her inner emotional hurts and sufferings. I was there as a friend, listening with a good ears, to all that she ever wanted to release. She asked me on how to get rid of her feelings of deep-seated frustration, anger and fears. She told me she had tried many times through fervent prayers and intimate sharing with church members, and closed friends alike but to no avail. "What should I do now?", she repeatedly asked. I am not the expert on this field, instead, what I simply did was this. I told her my own childhood's deepest frustration, anger and irk towards God for untimely taking my father's breath away when I was just five.

At those tender age, so crucial to my formative years, and yet God, without due explanation whatsoever, took the very figure so significant to my childhood, adolescent and adulthood support systems, just as any normal child should have had experienced in their process of growing. I told her I wasn't able to accept all past sufferings those very decision of God brought upon me, my siblings, and esp to my mum. No, not until I was 20 years of age. I also confided to her how I wish to exit from this seemingly cruel world during those bleak childhood's days!

While listening to me, I noticed she was quite taken aback with past stories of mine. She seems a bit relaxed and put up a smiling face yet empthy at me. At that moment of truths, I trust Mary was partially healed and lifted up from her own present inner grievances and frustrations towards God. Not that I had given her some specific Bible quotations or some Eastern wisdoms, but just on how I personally coped and managed my own real past experiences, which was really a blessings in disguise.

Now, I like to believe that emotions, frustration, grief, and anger are all form of fear, yet in its highest form, in the end, expresses love. All these expresses love? How can they be? All those feelings I mentioned above are natural emotions. It's part of us which allows us to say "goodbye" when we don't want to say "goodbye"; to express - push out, propel - the sadness within us at the experience of any kind of loss, esp the loss of a loved one. Now, the next step is crucial! When we allowed ourselves to express our inner grief, we get rid of it!

Children who are allowed to be sad when they are sad feel very healthy about sadness when they are adults, and therefore usually move through their sadness very quickly. Children who're told, "There, there don't cry," have a hard time crying as adults. After all, they've been told all their lives not to do that. So they repressed their grief. Grief that is continually repressed becomes chronic depression, a very unnatural emotion. People have killed or even succumbed to the tragic act of "suicide" because of chronic depression!

Anger, as well, is a natural emotion. It's our "tool" which allows us to say, "No, thank you." It does not have to be abusive, and it never has to be damaging to ourselves, let alone to another. And, one don't have to be ended up at "Pius Ward", at Rumah Sakit Carulos, for the same matter!

What ... You had a Religious vocation?

I had a religious vocation! I have responded to it, seven years now. First phase of my call was written during my Jesuit's Novitiate days. The second phase are still in progress. Meantime, I eagerly invite you to come and see at www.jesuit.org.sg/html/choices/vocation.stories/vocation.stories.justinjoannis.html entitled: Being Happy, Choosing to be a Jesuit and living my life for the Lord.

When you finish reading, kindly say a simple prayer and seek specifically for me, the grace of perseverence and renewed strength to carry my daily crosses.

Thanking you in advance, God bless!

AMDG.

What risk would I take if I were being fully true to myself?

Today is Monday, but it isn't like any other Mondays. Just as Monday is the beginning of the days in a whole week, today is my first step towards a thousand miles' virtual journey: a deep quest for who I really am. It'll be full of ample reflecitions on life's pilgrimage. I don't intend to post them on a daily basis but just as time permits. I do hope you enjoy my sharings as it goes, and I welcome most your reactions, constructive comments, and useful advises. I'm new to this blog writing so kindly bear with my shortcomings.

Back to tha main question, "What risk would I take if I were fully true to my myself?" Just for today, I would like to answer to this question as follows. I'll risk feeling smaller and smaller. What exactly do I meant by this? I used to think that if I did many commendable things like being radically true to my present vocation as religious, then I'll be great and reasonably proud of it. And in fact, today I paid a pastoral visit to St Carulos' Hospital, Jakarta, and have had a heart to heart conversations with two patients undergoing hemodialysis (HD) treatments there. Briefly, our conversations focused on the realities of failing health as one advanced in age. The attitude of refusal when one is beset with an unexpected illness, how one tend to humbly bargain with God with all sort of humanly promises to renovate life's activities and commitments once one get well again, and so forth and so forth. All heart to heart conversations ended finally with a simple prayer of surrender or Doa Pasrah to God! Upon reaching home and in the depth of my solitude and reflections, I came to an awareness that I tend to felt great and proud because of the focus on the 'I'. Actually this 'I' as I deeply realised later is nothing than just a small 'self' but felt and projected as big and significant.

Honestly, this later reflection made me realised that for all the commendable works that I'm able to perform during the day, any day in fact, are only possible because God allows me time and space to perform them, which if otherwise, nothing I can do much. With this prayerful fruit of reflections, I realised that every time I go out of my comfort zones and perform healthy and religious services, I eventually risk myself feeling 'small' and 'decreasing', and allows God himself become 'great' and 'increasing' instead through my life. So, that's it, that is the risk I'm referring to. If you're reading this articles, I wanna thanks you for the time spent and have a fruitful days ahead!

Shalom!